Back in the old days...

everything was fine. so far as i remember.
i had a weight, i felt comfortable with. i had a side job, i earned good money from. i went to school, which i really miss. i made an acceptable a-level with great senior year classmates.

but since i started a new episode in my life, with a professional education in a fu**ing boring office, with employees i hate and an employer, i hate everyday such a bit more... everything changes sudden.
every morning i wake up, not knowing what the new day will bring, what i will have to do in the office - which is really contradictory, because examined... i always do the same... for about one year now - and how many extra hours i have to fulfill this time. once i tried to talk to my boss... but nothing happend. i told him to give me some support, or at least give the work a structure... it's so overcharging me... no one believes.

if it's finally 4:30pm and my time is over (apart from the extra hours) i arrive at home and the only thing i do is getting in a fight with my boyfriend, because i'm in such a bad mood after those stressful days... i feel bad for him. sometimes i'm just a pain in the neck.

anyways...
since 4 days my weight constandly doesn't change. i eat, i don't eat, i actually started aerobic lessons again, after resigning the first time...
don't know what to do... it's demotivating.

48.8kg - BMI 19.55
B: 2 slices of bread with topping (270)
L: salad (100) and asian food (400?)
D: soup (88)
S: 60 mins aerobic (-450)
L: 2 cups of coffee, 2l water, 1 cup of milk (120)
T: 978 - 450 = 528kcal

we're going to be friends.

this is me, Meeli, writing my first blog.
currently i don't know why i do this and what it will bring for my future..
maybe it's better to publish my thoughts in a anonymous world. i feel save.
my little beige-colored book, with pictures of paris on it and a big P in front of the pictures - i'm not sure if it means Paris or Pearl (Pearl is what i name by boyfriend on the www) - could be a danger some time.

i'm 20. in love with this guy since september 1st last year. and diseased.
i suffer from anorexia since i was 14 or 15 years. i can't imagine the real date... it's impossible to tell a date when you're talking about a disease like this, i think.
there are good and bad days, in what way ever.
Pearl knows about my disease, but i think he doesn't really understand or realize what is going on in my head every day and sometimes even in the nights.
okay, i'm not that underweight as the people think an anorexic has to be.
a disease starts in somebodys head...

at the moment i deal with an aim of loosing 5kg in the next month.
08/08/2009 Prince and I fly to bulgaria for holidays.
and i want look gorgeous there. fu**ing gorgeous.
the next aim i try to reach is the loosing another 4kg until school starts again in august.

that's it for today.